I’ve been meaning to write a guide about anxiety and distracted sex for a while. It’s something most of my clients need help with.
After a flurry of relevant conversations last week, it was clearly time to begin.
I want YOU to have hot, present, wildly orgasmic sex—so I’m gonna tell you how to do it.
Today, we’ll start with tips & strategies you can start using right now. I’ll roll out more posts digging into this topic over the next few weeks.
Tips for Quieting the Mind During Sex
Here are a few things you can try the next time you have sex to bring your mind back to the moment.
Pro tip: Practice on your own with masturbation to get a hang of the skill.
- Noting. When you notice your mind is elsewhere, mentally “note” it. Take a mental moment to silently speak to your brain, saying something like, “Hey brain, noted. Now let’s get back to what our body is doing.”
- Gratitude. Similar to noting, but taking things a step further by thanking your brain. “Hey brain, thanks for the reminder / thanks for bringing my attention to that. Let’s put a pin in it for now and enjoy what’s happening with our body.”
- Pausing. Pause all physical activity to reduce distraction while you redirect attention to your body. If partnered, it’s considerate to let your partner know that you’re working on being present during sex and that this might happen.
- Changing. If pausing feels too abrupt, changing the activity can help redirect attention. Switch positions or from one act to another (for example, from oral to hand sex).
Strategies for Long-Term Presence During Sex
Some people find success with the tips above, while others need a more intentional approach and practice over time.
Here are some strategies if that’s you:
- Pleasure Practice. Set aside a little time each day to experience pleasure. This pleasure doesn’t have to be sexual, though it can be. The idea is to get familiar with enjoying pleasure in general so it becomes easier to enjoy pleasure in bed. Read my post on Pleasure as Self-Care for ideas.
- Sensual Self-Touch. Set aside a little time each day to give yourself sensual touch or even a sensual massage. Again, this doesn’t have to be sexual but it can be if you want. The idea is the same as the pleasure practice but with a higher focus on touch-based pleasure. Search sensual self-massage online for ideas.
- Mindful Masturbation. This is a very intentional form of masturbation designed to get you focused on erotic pleasure. You can use it in addition to your current masturbation routine, switch your current routine to this, or start using it if you currently don’t masturbate at all. I provide some directions in this post.
- Sensual/Erotic Massage. This is definitely a favorite among my clients, and one of my favorite classes to teach. Have your partner spend at least 20 minutes sensually massaging your entire body. You can include your genitals as long as any oils you’re using are safe to use there. Important: This strategy is most productive if sex and orgasm are NOT a part of the massage or an expectation after the massage. Do these massages once or twice a week at a time separate from sexytime with the only goal being to bring your attention back to the feel of their hands on your body any time your mind wanders. If you do that, you’ve done a great job! Here’s a post I wrote on how to give an erotic massage.
- Sensate Focus. Sensate focus is similar to sensual massage, but offers a bit more structure and formality for those who need it. I really like this guide to sensate focus by Cornell Health.
Coming Up Next
I’ll be back soon with Part 2, digging into making the most of these tips and strategies.
‘Til then, stay sexy!
Have hot, fully present, orgasmic sex in 30 days:
Hi there! I’m Sex Coach Shannon. I offer private coaching and classes both virtually and in my New Orleans studio.
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