Wondering how to come more easily, frequently…or for the first time?
There’s a lot of content out there on how to orgasm, so it can be tough to sort out information that’s both trustworthy and works well for you.
I’ve put together this write-up, activity book, and video course based on my favorite resource: science. Here, you’ll find nothing but peer-reviewed facts to guide your orgasmic exploration.
Whether you’ve never had an orgasm, aren’t sure you’ve had one, or just want to have them more often, I’ve got you covered. Read on to learn:
- what an orgasm is
- why orgasms happen
- how YOU can have your next orgasm!
Of course, you can also skip the reading and get straight to doing with my free orgasm activity book and course:
Prefer to keep reading? Great! Let’s dive in.
What is orgasm?
Orgasm is what usually happens when you reach the height of sexual arousal.–Planned Parenthood
Orgasm is when a person reaches peak pleasure.–Medical News Today
Orgasm is the height or peak of sexual arousal when the body releases sexual tension and pressure.–Cleveland Clinic
Among those studying arousal and orgasm, the general consensus is that orgasm is the height of sexual arousal.
This is why many people call the orgasm a climax.
A story’s climax relies on the rising action; orgasms rely on rising sexual arousal. This process is called the sexual response cycle.
The sexual response cycle includes increasing excitement, a pre-orgasm excitement plateau, orgasm, and resolution.
The yellow line (C) in the image below shows the kind of experience most people expect to have with orgasm. There’s a sharp rise in excitement, a quick pass through plateau, one orgasm, and a resolution.
However, studies show that people often experience journeys more like the blue (A) or red (B) line. The blue line depicts someone having two orgasms before experiencing resolution. The red line depicts someone experiencing excitement, plateau, and resolution without orgasm.
People of all genders can also find that their experience with the cycle varies each time they have sex. Someone might have multiple orgasms one day, then none the next day, followed by one orgasm the next time they have sex.
No matter what the journey, however, one thing holds consistently true: without arousal, orgasms won’t happen.
Note: Orgasms require arousal , but that doesn’t necessarily mean that a person who orgasms consented to or enjoyed sexual activity. If you’ve experienced unwanted sexual contact, call 800-656-4673 in the U.S. to be routed to a helpline in your area.
Knowing that orgasms require rising arousal is the first step towards experiencing orgasm for yourself. Let’s talk about how orgasms work.
How Orgasms Happen
As we’ve covered, orgasms occur due to a build-up of sexual arousal.
Sexual arousal is both physical and mental.
- Physical sexual arousal is usually characterized by increased muscle tension, heart rate, and blood flow to the genitals and nipples (resulting in swelling). The skin may also become flushed
- Mental sexual arousal is usually characterized by a sense of bonding, trust, reward, and lowered inhibition. This is due to changes in the brain that occur during sexual arousal.
You can create and build physical arousal by sensually touching your erogenous and erotic zones. You can create and build mental sexual arousal by fantasizing about sexual scenarios, looking at porn or reading/listening to erotica, or engaging in just about any consensual activity that turns you on.
I go into more detail about the relationship between arousal and orgasm in my free activity book, Talking About Orgasm:
Generally speaking, women tend to require higher mental sexual arousal than men to reach orgasm. However it’s important to remember that every individual regardless of gender has their own unique experience of arousal.
The best way to know whether you’re aroused is to check in with yourself during sexual activity. And the best way to practice checking in with yourself during sexual activity is to do it on your own a few times.
Let’s talk about how to do that.
How to have an orgasm.
If you’ve never had an orgasm before or struggle to have them as often as you’d like, a great practice I recommend is sensate focus.
Sensate focus is one of the top approaches used by sex therapists to help people with orgasm issues. It is often done with a partner, but I highly encourage you to try it on your own a few times to practice tuning into sensations and pleasure.
The goal of sensate focus is to increase sexual arousal and your familiarity with how your body experiences pleasure.
Remember, pleasure and heightened arousal are necessary for orgasm. Be sure to spend plenty of time exploring both without the pressure or expectation of orgasm–at least the first few times you try this.
I include an audio guided sensate focus session in my free mini-course, Unlocking Orgasm. Check it out and give it a listen, or just read these instructions from the Talking About Orgasm activity book:
Prioritize Pleasure to Come With Ease
For some people, orgasm comes easily once they spend a little time prioritizing pleasure each day.
For others, unlocking orgasm is a longer journey. That’s exactly the reasoning behind my 8-week course, Come With Ease. With video tutorials on erotic self-touch for both vulva and penis owners, this all-genders course gently moves students from no-gasm to oh!-gasm with the help of weekly activities, worksheets, and more.
Not ready for an 8-week commitment? The free Unlocking Orgasm Mini-Course is just 4 days of video learning and activities.
Delve deeper into the sexual response cycle, explore your orgasmic anatomy, follow along with the recorded sensate focus session, and learn how to prioritize pleasure in your day-to-day life to become effortlessly orgasmic:
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