A how-to for orgasmic self-actualization.

In 2020, I was single and living alone.

Sex—and orgasms—were available if I desired.

Until everyone was told to keep six feet apart.

Others baked sourdough and planted gardens during the lockdowns. Me? I kept busy figuring out how to tend to my more, er, carnal needs.

Don’t get me wrong; I wasn’t opposed to masturbating. My evening self-lovin’ routine was still the easiest way to fall asleep.

But that, admittedly, wasn’t very sexy.

My solo-gasms were rarely as powerful as my partnered ones. On my own, erotic touch and climax were a means to an end. With a partner or two, they were an adventure!

I wondered if it was possible to experience that sense of adventure all on my own. And after a few weeks of research and experimentation, I delightfully discovered that the answer was a resounding yes. Yes yes oh Shannon YES!

Giving myself powerful orgasms created a huge shift in my relationship with myself, pleasure, and sex. It felt like radical self-love and sexual independence. It made me more discerning about who I let into my bed. It helped me realize that I already have everything I need to feel sexy, loved, and orgasmically satisfied.

Here’s how I did it.

Banish Shame

I had a bit of a head start on this journey. I’ve been publicly deconstructing sexual shame for over a decade, so there was little left standing in my way.

But it wouldn’t be fair to pretend that this wasn’t still necessary work to reach scream-your-own-name orgasm heights.

If you’re ashamed of the porn you watch, the erotica you read or listen to, the fantasies you have, the devices you use, the body you inhabit, or the desires you experience, it’s going to be difficult to come hard.

In my experience, shame around sex and/or your body typically works against your orgasm. There are always exceptions, of course, but shame is a huge recurring theme when it comes to troubles with sexual fulfillment.

This is part of the reason why my first activity book included so much information about sex positivity. At the foundation of good sex is having neutral or positive feelings about sex and your body.

I was admittedly working out some body shame back in 2020. I spent a lot of time in front of a full-length mirror learning to see, accept, and eventually love my body.

I even got comfortable enough to experiment with solo nude photoshoots, which went a long way to help me feel sexy while flying solo:

Make time to love your sexuality and your body, and you’ll be on the right path. I list some good books and podcasts to help with that effort on my resources page.

Take Your Time

I didn’t scream my own name when I came on the first try. Or the second.

I wasn’t keeping count, so I honestly can’t give you a number. But I can say this: I wasn’t actually trying to scream my name when I came. It just happened.

A huge part of this orgasmic self-actualization journey was spending time on all the lovely, pleasurable experiences that lead up to climax.

I took longer showers. I luxuriated on sheets fresh out of the dryer. I wrote and recorded erotic stories and poetry. I watched sexually charged TV shows while sitting on a vibrator.

About 90% of my time and effort was spent not on orgasm, but on pleasure and sensuality.

This might look different for you, of course. Maybe you prefer to savor the tastiest foods you can find. Perhaps you find certain textures or clothing especially sensual.

Whatever it is for you, spend time doing it. Envision your most sensual possible life outside of orgasm, and go live it.

Noticing and spending time enjoying pleasure each day was seriously helpful in relaxing and tuning into my erotic self. I’m sure it could do the same for you.

Be Mindful

I know, I know. Mindfulness? Really Shannon?

Look, I get it. Mindfulness isn’t for everyone. That means mindful masturbation isn’t for everyone. That’s okay.

Mindful masturbation was my personal path to world-rocking orgasms. I learned to focus on the different sensations I could give myself and the reactions they caused.

This let me experience what it was like to really ‘fuck myself’. (Or ‘make love to myself,’ if you prefer.)

It often felt like an out-of-body experience, which is what ultimately led to the self-name-screaming.

Think mindful masturbation might be worth a try? Check out my earlier post on the topic for more information.

Need something more peer-reviewed? I’ve got great news: there’s another option.

Sensate Focus

During the year I spent earning my sex coach certification, I learned about a popular therapy practice called sensate focus.

Sex therapists use sensate focus to enhance clients’ orgasmic potential. It was invented in the 1960’s by Masters & Johnson and is hugely successful in addressing issues with climax.

Sensate focus includes all the same focus-based strategies of mindful masturbation without the sometimes complicated associations we have with mindfulness.

I include an audio-guided sensate focus session in my free course, Unlocking Orgasm. There’s also a written version in my activity book, Talking About Orgasm.

The pre-recorded course and book are a great way to start the journey to more powerful orgasms. Check them out and let me know what you think!

Looking Ahead

After reflecting on this experience with orgasm, I’m now working on a new course called Single & Satisfied.

Single & Satisified is an orgasmic self-actualization journey based on science, sex-positivity, and orgasm coach expertise. It includes 8 pre-recorded modules that you can spread over as many weeks as you’d like.

Single & Satisfied includes modules on:

• The Myth of Singlehood
• Radical & Erotic Self-Love
• Sensual Meditation
• Body Love
• Solo Sex Mastery
• Pleasure Tools
• Touch-Free Climax
• Orgasmic Independence

If you’d like, you can pre-register at no cost to be the first to find out when Single & Satisfied goes live.

Thanks for reading about my journey and offerings. If you’d like to connect, subscribe to this blog or follow me on Instagram.

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