Train Your Partner to Come on Command

Orgasm Conditioning 101

Ready to add or expand on orgasm play in your relationship? Sounds fun!

Orgasm conditioning is a particularly hot journey to embark on with a partner. Taking or handing over control of sexual climax is truly not for the faint of heart.

If you’re ready to take on the challenge, however, you’re in the right place. Let’s talk about what it takes to get a partner coming on command.


Before we dive into the climactic details, there are a few important things you need to know about beginning an orgasm conditioning practice.

1. You Need an Easy-O

Orgasm conditioning is not for someone who has a hard time reaching climax. If someone doesn’t already have a reliable way to orgasm, and it isn’t because you’re already playing with orgasm denial, work on that first.

If you or a partner often struggle to climax, check out my post about how to come more easily, frequently, and powerfully or my orgasm resources:

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2. Know the Risks

As with any kink, there are some risks to consider when it comes to orgasm conditioning. This practice involves adjusting the body’s and mind’s response to erotic stimuli, so be aware that these changes can impact the way a person experiences sex in the future.

Sometimes orgasm conditioning occurs within the context of a consensual power dynamic, with one partner ‘topping’ the other by completely controlling when their ‘bottom’ climaxes.

If this is a goal in your relationship, it’s wise to create and include a backup command in conditioning that the bottom can use in case the relationship or dynamic comes to an end.

Beware a top who is reluctant to create a backup command and/or include it in conditioning. While complete orgasm control sounds hot, realizing you’re incapable of orgasming without someone’s command makes for a particularly devastating breakup if it happens.

Additionally, orgasm conditioning requires a bit of trial and error. Your goal one night may be to deny orgasm completely, but then climax sneaks up on the person being conditioned and, oops!, they came. Or you may think you’ve reached a point where a command will bring forth an orgasm and then, womp womp, it doesn’t happen.

Another common occurrence is to ‘lose’ an orgasm during conditioning. Muscles may rhythmically contract and ejaculation may occur, but there’s none of the associated pleasure of orgasm. This is frustrating, but knowing it can happen and that it isn’t a permanent problem is helpful.

3. Keep it in Perspective

Photo by cottonbro

Because lost orgasms, accidental climaxes, and failed commands are absolutely possible in orgasm conditioning, it’s important not to become so invested in the practice that you lose your sense of excitement and adventure.

Orgasm conditioning is best undertaken in a well-founded relationship or dynamic grounded in trust, mutual respect, and great communication. This creates an environment for exploration without seeing success or failure as a reflection of the relationship.

If your dynamic includes consensual punishment, again, be aware that accidental orgasms and failed commands will likely happen and aren’t always preventable. Talk about what punishment, if any, would be appropriate in that situation.

Finally, it’s completely possible that orgasm conditioning simply won’t work. For people who experience orgasm as a sense of ‘letting go’, orgasm control may be an impossible ask, and that’s okay! There are plenty of other ways to play.

Want personalized guidance on your orgasm conditioning journey?

Book a free discovery call to learn how I help women+ and couples have longer, more powerful, and even multiple orgasms:

Getting Started

Getting started with orgasm conditioning starts with the person being conditioned. You’ll need to:

1. Define the Baseline

What is your or your partner’s most reliable and/or quickest path to orgasm at the moment? Think about both physical stimulation as well as what psychological, emotional, situational, or even spiritual considerations are at play when climax is easy to achieve and powerful.

Is there a particularly reliable toy? Does climax come sooner at certain times of the day or in particular places, positions, etc.? Is it harder to orgasm if there’s unresolved relationship conflict, or does conflict make things that much hotter?

2. Bring Them to the Edge

Photo by @joagbriel

Once you’ve got a good idea of this baseline, use it to bring the partner being conditioned to their orgasmic edge, but don’t send them over. This is technically orgasm denial within the greater context of orgasm conditioning and, ultimately, control. Trust the process.

Repeat this edging for as long as the person being conditioned can stand. The goal is to very intimately familiarize them with what it feels like to approach orgasm.

They should pay special attention to the changes felt in their body as they climb their peaking arousal. Being aware of how their mental state shifts throughout the experience is also important.

3. Ride the Plateau

In between rising arousal and climax, the mind and body enter a phase called plateau.

During plateau, a person’s heart rate and muscle tension increase. In penis owners, rhythmic contractions begin and pre-ejaculate may appear. The testicles rise closer to the body. In vulva owners, the clitoris withdraws slightly and increased lubrication and swelling of the outer vagina occur.

Mentally, plateau affects most people similarly. Areas in the brain associated with award, memory, and pleasure are activated during plateau and orgasm. Meanwhile, areas associated with selection, monitoring, and inhibition usually have decreased activity. It’s often a heady, floaty mental state.

Plateau happens right before orgasm, making it the razor’s edge of climax. Someone being conditioned should learn to identify when they are in plateau. Once they’ve done that, they’re ready to practice spending time in this state without ‘going over the edge’.

Riding the plateau stage without climaxing is an essential orgasm control skill. It may take repeated attempts to achieve, so patience is key.

There are a couple options that may speed up learning how to ride the plateau:

  • The Countdown Method: Get the partner being conditioned all ‘warmed up’ and into a state where orgasm should be easy to achieve via masturbation. The other partner then starts counting down slowly from 20 (or higher). The goal is for the person masturbating to avoid climaxing until their partner reaches ‘0’. If it doesn’t work, check-in and decide whether it’d be fun to try again or if it’s time to take a break.
  • Erotic Hypnosis: A number of people sing the praises of erotic hypnosis when it comes to orgasm conditioning and remaining in plateau. Search for ones in your area, or look up hypnotists who offer virtual services and can help.

For some people, it’s possible to remain in plateau even with periods of no physical stimulation. Experiment with this if you’d like, testing to see if the person being conditioned can go longer and longer without touch while still riding the razor’s edge of climax. This is mental orgasm control mastery.

Come on Command

With a firm grasp on the experience of plateau, most people are ready to start experimenting with commands.

“Come for me now,” is a common choice. However, it isn’t unheard of for tops to train their partners to orgasm at phrases like “permission granted” or even the sound of snapped fingers. Really, just about any command can work.

Bring the conditioned partner to the edge of orgasm (or have them do so themselves). Have them ride plateau in such a way that they could orgasm at any moment.

And command them to do so.

It may not work the first time you try this, and that’s okay. Remember: this should be an exciting adventure, not something you’re stressing over. If at first you don’t succeed, check in. If both people want to, try, try again.

If you’ve used the countdown method, you can start replacing the ‘0’ at the end of your countdown with your command. Repeating this practice regularly will, over time, condition your partner to associate the command with climax—and their body will respond.

If you went the route of erotic hypnosis, your hypnotist should be able to work your command into the practice quite easily.

Whatever your path, the likely result is the same: a sexy dynamic where one partner can make another come on command.

Once you’ve achieved this, you can experiment with different forms of stimulation, psychological elements, and kink if you’d like. There are no limits to where you can go with orgasm control.

In-person and virtual orgasm coaching

Private orgasm coaching and training for women+ is available both virtually and in my New Orleans studio.

Get verbal guidance through hands-on exercises with your partner in my Orgasm Control class or book a virtual coaching session.

Meet sex & orgasm expert: Shannon Burton, SXI

Shannon Burton, SXI

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Published by Shannon Burton

Erotic Ignition Coach by day, poet and flash fiction author by night, I occasionally manage to get out of the house and enjoy New Orleans as it's meant to be.

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