There are many reasons someone might click on an article like this.
Some may have a sort of detached curiosity. Unconcerned about their orgasms, they perhaps enjoy reading about the topic or appreciate additional perspectives.
Others can’t help but be drawn to the word ‘powerfully’. More powerful orgasms? Who wouldn’t want that?
And we’ll get there, I promise. But first, I want to go over some things for the people here who want to orgasm more easily or frequently.
The path to effortless orgasms
Many people struggle to orgasm as reliably as they’d like. Some hardly orgasm at all.
Anorgasmia, a condition where orgasm is rare or completely absent, affects between 11% and 41% of women and 8% of men.
So I’m going to start with some basics, and we’ll work our way up from there. This article is basically a cheat sheet for my free Talking About Orgasm Actvitiy eBook: you’re welcome!
(I highly recommend getting the eBook, by the way. It’s super informative and helpful!
Okay. We’ll talk body parts soon. But first, I need you to know something very important:
Orgasm is just one part of your multi-phase sexual response cycle.
That’s right: your body goes through multiple physical and mental states during the course of sexual activity.
There are a couple of versions of the sexual response cycle depending on which researcher you ask, but the most commonly accepted one has 4 phases:
- Excitement
- Plateau
- Orgasm
- Resolution
If you’ve ever studied storylines with exposition, rising action, climax, and resolution, it looks a lot like that. Also, everyone’s “storyline” is unique, shaped by things like biology, psychology, social influences, environment, and other factors.
I want you to know this because in order to orgasm, a person must experience rising sexual excitement, also known as arousal.
Orgasms don’t come from nothing!
I cannot tell you how many people I’ve met who try to orgasm or make their partners orgasm by going straight for the genitals with very little or no build-up of sexual excitement.
Not all sexual excitement comes from the genitals. There are so many ways to build arousal before you rush to your pleasure bits.
Some people get sexually excited very easily. They go from 0 to 100 rapidly, making a quick trip to powerful orgasms possible.
But for many people struggling with orgasm or wanting more powerful orgasms, my first piece of advice is this: instead of expecting yourself to go from 0 to 100, try to go from 0-10, then 10-20, then 20-30.
Basically, I’m telling you to slow down.
Even if you do already experience rising sexual excitement, and even if you do usually orgasm, slowing down and spending more time in the excitement stage builds a much more robust orgasmic threshold.
The more time you spend increasing excitement, the higher your orgasmic potential becomes.
So, how do you do that?
Improving Your Orgasmic Threshold
Let’s talk about raising that orgasmic threshold. I’ll include ideas here for whether you’re on your own or exploring with a partner.
On Your Own: Presence with Self-Pleasure
If you’re on your own and masturbating, you can try sensually touching sensitive parts of your body except for the genitals for at least ten minutes. Only after ten minutes has passed should you move to genital touch.
The areas marked in red above are potential erogenous zones. Try exploring sensual touch in these places for ten minutes before your next masturbation session. You can use your hands or try different objects, even vibrating toys if you have any.
After ten minutes has passed, try sensually touching your genitals for at least another ten minutes without trying to orgasm.
That’s right: don’t even make an effort to orgasm. In fact, go ahead and actively avoid orgasm entirely for ten minutes. Just enjoy the feeling of touching your genitals and explore different types of touch that feel good. Feel free to listen to or read erotica or watch porn while you do this.
That’s 20 minutes of building excitement, which is great! Research has shown that vulva owners whose partners engage in at least 20 minutes of non-penetrative sexual activity are much more likely to orgasm during sex than those who don’t spend that much time in the sexual excitement stage.
With a Partner: Sharing Sensual Touch
If you’re with a partner, use the same ten-minute rules, but frame the experience more as a sensual and then erotic massage.
Have them give you a ten-minute massage without touching your genitals, then a luxurious and gentle ten-minute genital massage before attempting to make your orgasm. Use lube for the genital massage to make it especially luxurious.
This activity is similar to another one called Pleasure Mapping. I offer a pleasure mapping class in New Orleans you can take with a partner.
If you’ve really been struggling to orgasm for a long time, it might be helpful to rule out medical causes with a doctor. If you rule that out, most sex therapists will then recommend trying an activity called Sensate Focus Therapy.
Sensate Focus Therapy is similar to what I’ve described with the ten-minute suggestions, but with a bit more direction about how to focus on sensation. There are written directions in the free Talking About Orgasm eBook.
Alright, we all understand that we need rising sexual excitement in order to orgasm. Some of you are thinking, Shannon, I get plenty excited – I just seem to get stuck in that plateau phase. I get most of the way there but can’t finish.
What gives?
Let’s talk about how orgasm happens.
As you may already know, most people orgasm thanks to slippery, rhythmic, pressured stimulation on their genital glans.
Most people regardless of sex have a genital glans. For vulva owners, it’s what’s commonly called the clitoris. The little nub at the top of where the two inner labia meet is actually just one part of the clitoris, and it’s called the glans.
The rest of the clitoris is internal and extends like a wishbone around the vaginal canal behind the vulva.
For penis owners, the glans is what we usually call the ‘head’ of the penis. A lot of penis owners even have a part of their glans that feels best to be stimulated. For many, that’s the frenulum, this little area on the underside of the head where it meets the shaft.
The glans of the clitoris and penis are made from the same tissues; they just developed into different shapes based on your sex.
So how does orgasm happen?
Again, most people orgasm from slippery, rhythmic, pressured stimulation on their glans.
Everyone’s different, so that may not be exactly the case for everyone and definitely doesn’t look the same for everyone.
But I’m hammering this point home because it’s the second most common reason I see people struggling with orgasm.
Often, people stimulate their clitoris or penis glans during masturbation with:
- no lubrication
- high speeds, and/or
- lots of pressure
When they do this, their glans acclimates to that kind of stimulation. Then it becomes more difficult to orgasm during partnered sex.
This isn’t permanent! This a temporary problem with a simple (but sometimes difficult) solution:
Take a break from masturbating for two weeks.
I know, it’s tough! The good news is, partnered sex is fine during this time. Just avoid using the same masturbation techniques that you’re supposed to be avoiding.
By the end of two weeks, partnered sex should feel more stimulating and you can resume masturbation WITH lube, slower speeds, and/or less pressure.
For penis owners, stimulate the entire length of the penis and try to simulate sensations your penis experiences during partnered sex. If sensation doesn’t return after 2-3 weeks of no masturbation, it’s time to see a doctor.
Is that all?
For most people, easier and more frequent orgasms can be had by slowing down and experimenting with multiple methods of stimulation. Shift attention away from orgasm to heightened sexual excitement, and things ironically tend to get more orgasmic thanks to the sexual response cycle.
If you’re stuck in plateau and you suspect it’s more of a mental than physical problem, you’d probably benefit from sex coaching, sex therapy, or an intensive orgasm course.
My Come With Ease Course is an 8-week intensive program inspired by sex therapy treatments for anorgasmia.
I also offer private coaching for those who need individualized attention.
Okay, that covers easier, more frequent orgasms. It’s time to get to our final topic:
Having more powerful orgasms.
You know how the sexual response cycle is about both the physical and mental changes that happen during sexual activity?
Having more powerful orgasms tends to happen 1 of 3 ways:
- enhanced physical state
- enhanced mental state
- a combination of both
Let’s start with the first one.
Enhancing your physical state.
Physically, most people achieve more powerful orgasms through edging. If you’ve never edged before, it’s basically bringing yourself to the brink of orgasm then stopping stimulation before you actually orgasm.
You wait until the orgasmic sensation passes, then resume stimulation and try to get to the edge and back away again. The more times you can do this, the more powerful your eventual orgasm tends to become.
Edging can be taken so far that some people even gain the ability to orgasm without touch at all. I call this ‘coming on command’ and offer a class both virtually and in New Orleans.
Enhancing your mental state.
For an enhanced mental state, most people find that trying new things, having sex in new places, or even dabbling in consensual kink really turns up the heat.
Other popular options include doing deep self-work, relationship work, or even spiritual work to enhance your emotional state for more powerful orgasms.
This often looks like what I’ve suggested before: slowing down, taking time to really be present with sensual experiences and anyone you may be sharing them with, and not rushing to orgasm. Rather, build excitement and let the orgasm happen as a result of that building.
A warning…
Some people get in the habit of using pretty toxic ways of mentally enhancing orgasm. These include cheating, picking fights, or really coming up against boundaries like consent.
I can’t discourage this behavior enough, and in fact recommend therapy or self-help resources for anyone who does these things.
What next steps will you take?
Most people I’ve talked with about their most powerful orgasms describe some combination of edging, new experiences or personal, relational, or spiritual growth.
Even something as simple as having a sexy secret like wearing nice lingerie or ordering a new sex toy can add an element of excitement and fun that increases the intensity of climax.
Think back to your own most powerful orgasms. What were the conditions that brought them on? If they were toxic, are there ways you can recreate the conditions in healthier ways today?
Are there things you’ve been hesitant to try that might be exciting to start experimenting with? Can you come up with any sexy secret challenges for yourself or a partner to add a bit of flair to your orgasmic expectations?
Otherwise, the Talking About Orgasm Activity Book is a great next step to take on your own, and it’s totally free:
Want more?
Hi there! I’m Sex Coach Shannon. I offer private orgasm coaching and classes both virtually and in my New Orleans studio.
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Thanks so much for sharing this incredibly insightful article. ❤️