How to last as long as you want to…and then some.
Many people don’t believe me when I say it’s possible to orgasm on command. Or that you can have more powerful orgasms by learning to delay them.
But it’s true.
With a little practice, you can learn to control when and how you climax—both alone and with a partner. You can even incorporate this control into your sex life and have fun playing with orgasm.
One prerequisite: it’s helpful if you already find it easy to reach orgasm. If you’re not there yet, check out my free eBook: Talking About Orgasm.
If you’re a woman looking for something more substantial, you can also check out these helpful books:
Want the cliff notes? Check out How to come more easily, frequently, and powerfully before continuing with this post.
For those of you who already have an ‘easy-o’, let’s jump into it.
Step 1: Basic Edging
Edging is the cornerstone of orgasmic conditioning. Many penis owners use edging to train themselves to last longer in bed.
The best way to get started with edging is on your own. Set aside some time for masturbation, then:
Do your usual masturbation routine…
Do whatever it is that feels best to you when it comes to getting yourself off. Use your hands or a pleasure toy designed for men (or one designed for women, if that’s you!). Watch porn or listen to erotica. Fantasize about that crush.
Don’t worry too much about your personal method: just get yourself all worked up.
…but don’t finish.
When you feel that orgasm start to build, stop.
Remove your hand or toy. Pause the porn or erotica. Let the fantasy fade.
I know this is hard. That’s why it’s called orgasm conditioning or training.
Then do it again.
Once the feeling that you’re going to orgasm passes, resume masturbation. Get yourself all worked up again until you feel that pre-orgasmic feeling again.
What you’re doing is familiarizing yourself with your orgasmic threshold. The more time you spend reaching this threshold then coming down from it, the easier it will be to push it back over time.
Try to bring yourself to your orgasmic threshold and back at least 3 times if you can. If you can’t, set that as your goal for your next solo sex session.
If you can, try to do it more than 3 times the next time. Aim for 5. Then 7. Then 10.
Step 2: Hard Mode
The next step is to get even closer to your true orgasmic edge before pulling back.
Let’s use an analogy.
The Diving Board Analogy
Imagine you’re at a pool on a warm day, standing just behind the steps of a diving board. (In this scenario, you have everything you need to feel safe jumping off the diving board into the pool.)
The diving board represents your orgasmic threshold. With basic edging, you’ve been going up the steps, standing on the furthest back part of the diving board, then retreating back down the steps.
Then you’ve been going up the steps again, stepping on the board again, then coming down again.
This is basic edging.
Now, you’re going to try to get further down the diving board without jumping (or falling) off the edge.
Testing Your Limits
Let’s see how far down the orgasm diving board you can get.
Rather than stopping the moment you feel pre-orgasm sensations, try to get just 1-3 more seconds of stimulation in before you stop. This would be like taking 1-3 steps down the diving board.
If that was easy, do it again. This time, try to get 4-6 seconds of stimulation in before you stop. Then 7-10. Then 15. (It’s a really long diving board, okay?)
Keep doing this, just as you did with basic edging. Get to the point where you feel like your toes are hanging off the edge of that diving board, then walk it all back again.
See how many times you can bring yourself so close that a whisper would send you tumbling over the edge.💦
Step 3: Riding the Waves
Once you’ve mastered edging, you’ll be well on your way to ultimate orgasmic control. Next, it’s time to learn how to ride pre-orgasmic waves.
You’ll likely notice that edging causes a lot of sensations. You may feel floaty, heady, tingly, overstimulated, high, or even transcendent.
Often, in our pursuit of sexual satisfaction, we rush to orgasm. It leaves us very little time to enjoy this blissful, pre-orgasmic state.
You can bring yourself to your orgasmic limit. That’s great. Now the question is: how long can you stay there?
Lasting longer isn’t just about, well, lasting longer.
If you are looking to last longer with a partner, you’ve first got to master lasting longer on your own.
Pre-orgasm is a full, blissful experience for people of all genders and bodies. Spending time in this state can result in more powerful orgasms for everyone.
Extend your time in pre-orgasm by slowing down and/or changing the way you stimulate yourself while edging.
Slow down your movements. Switch hands or from a toy to your hand. Mute or pause any porn or erotica. Cool off the heat in your fantasy.
Notice how each of these changes affects your sensations and orgasmic state like waves coming, going, then returning again. It’s as if you’re pacing, slowly and decadently, up and down the orgasm diving board.
Make this experience last. Bask in the pre-orgasmic bliss. Let the waves rise and fall.
As you let pre-orgasm rise and fall, begin to experiment with short periods of touch-free time.
This is a little like basic edging, except now you’re much closer to your orgasmic edge. You’re edging within your orgasmic threshold.
You’re not trying to come completely down off the edge during these touchless times. Your goal is to stay on the diving board, so to speak.
How do you do that? With your most powerful sexual organ: the brain.
If it helps, keep porn or erotica playing for audio stimulation.
If you feel like you’re coming down off the diving board, go ahead and touch yourself again. But notice how long you lasted. Once you’re back on the edge, see if you can last without touch that long again.
Now you’re really riding the wave.
Step 4: Orgasm Play with Partners
By the time you’re experimenting with touchless pre-orgasm, you’ll be ready to start applying your newfound orgasm control to partnered sex.
For those looking to last longer during sex, a good technique is to use what you’ve learned from basic edging. If you feel yourself approaching your orgasmic threshold with a partner, stop stimulation.
This is a good opportunity to switch positions or treat your partner to oral sex.
You can also try slowing down stimulation or changing it rather than stopping. Your practice with edging and riding the wave should give you a good idea of what will work and what won’t.
Check out these sex toys for couples for more ideas.
Orgasm on Command
Remember when I said I wanted you standing with your toes hanging off the orgasm diving board?
Or when I said to get so close to the edge that a whisper would send you over it?
This is the beginning of the orgasm-on-command journey.
You can begin conditioning for orgasm on command by getting yourself into that pre-orgasmic, right-on-the-edge state while having sex with your partner.
Again, your personal method doesn’t matter here. Whatever it is you do with your partner that really gets your gears turning: do that. There are way too many ways to get hot n’ heavy for me to list them all here.
(Though here’s a list of over 100 ideas if you need some.)
Get yourself floating on the high tide of pre-orgasm, waiting for a big wave to send you soaring. Get so close to orgasm that just the right words from your partner would send you over the edge.
And then have your partner say those words.
If you come, congrats! You’ve just orgasmed to words. You are 90% of the way there when it comes to orgasming on command.
All you need now is more practice. Keep bringing yourself to the edge during sex, then letting your partner’s words send you over. The more you do it, the easier it will become.
Obviously, if you want a partner to orgasm on command they’ll probably have to go through the edging process. As you know, that’s quite an ask. If your partner is excited about the idea, great!
If not, that’s okay. There are other ways to play with orgasm in the bedroom. Namely, orgasm denial and forced orgasm.
Orgasm denial is a lot like it sounds. One partner (or more, if that’s your style) denies another (or more, if that’s your style) orgasm.
This might look like recognizing when someone is close to orgasm and stopping stimulation.
A denial of permission might mean that the denied partner isn’t allowed to masturbate to completion. Or it might mean that they have to ‘tap out’ before orgasm during sex. Or it might mean both or neither of those things!
For partners who have pretty good orgasm control of their own, orgasm denial might mean being told that they’re not permitted to orgasm even when they’re receiving extremely pleasurable, typically orgasmic, stimulation.
This is the equivalent to walking your partner to the edge of the diving board (there’s that diving board again) and trying to push them off, all while they try desperately to stay on.
Not everyone is capable of that last one, and that’s okay. It’s still fun to try.
But some people will use orgasm denial for days or even weeks. I’ve known people to deny themselves orgasms in the weeks leading up to a reunion with a long-distance partner, for example. Or denying each other the ‘right’ to orgasm until a special occasion.
Forced orgasm sounds concerning, but you know I wouldn’t write about anything nonconsensual in a fun post like this.
Forced orgasm is really more like “forced” (big air quotes) orgasm. It’s a part of power play, also called power exchange or power dynamics.
The partner(s) bringing them to orgasm would be considered ‘tops’ or ‘dominants’ in this scenario. The person being forced to orgasm is a ‘bottom’ or ‘sub’.
I highly recommend reading The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book if engaging in this kind of play. These quick reads cover simple ground rules for role-playing with power in this way.
You can tap these images to read more about each book:
As I’ve mentioned a couple times, the exact activities that bring the person to orgasm hardly matter. Everyone’s got their unique things, you know? Some people use toys, some people use restraints, some people rent whole BDSM dungeons or build sex rooms for these kinds of activities.
Many do it with nothing but their hands and their words, quietly enough to not wake the neighbors.
As with any new sex idea (and depending on your dynamic), run the idea of forced orgasm by your partner before diving in. If they’re game, do it with whatever techniques feel right for you.
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