Last week on FetLife I wrote a quick post about jealousy in polyamory.
People had feelings about it.
Naturally I kept writing, creating an unintentional series that got a lot of people talking.
I’m going to share an edited version below. This read is a bit different than my usual content, but I think you’ll like it if the topic interests you.
Find the beginning of the full, original version on FetLife here.
Fall in Love With Jealousy
Ready for a pro poly tip straight from the depths of personal experience?
Fall in love with jealousy.
Jealousy is your fast pass to figuring out your shit, stat. It’s the most underrated hack for the kind of personal growth healthy polyamory demands.
I’ll explain.
In my experience, nine times out of ten jealousy in polyamory stems from a specific insecurity.
For example, in the past I’ve been jealous that…
- my partner is going out with someone super hot (insecurity: my own attractiveness)
- my meta lives with my partner and I don’t (insecurity: my own worthiness)
- a new potential partner has the time and energy to go on 5 or more dates a week (insecurity: my own capacity)
Insecurity sucks, but there’s good news: we don’t have to hold onto it.
- Insecure about attractiveness? Check out body-positive resources.
- Getting poked in the unworthy feels? Commit to a self-love journey.
- Feeling down about being busy and tired? Read up on boundary-setting and realign your priorities.
Obviously, some of this stuff can be sticky enough to require additional help. I owe a lot of my own growth to therapy and books written by therapists.
But if you can find it within yourself to sit with jealousy and identify its root, you can learn a whole awful lot about yourself in a very short amount of time.
I’m always suspicious when people talk about jealousy in polyamory as a sign of failure or poly not being for someone.
Jealousy isn’t only natural, it’s useful! We can learn and grow so much from it, and our relationships will be so much better for it.
Of Course, It Isn’t Always Insecurity
Nine times out of ten, my jealousy stems from insecurity.
That being said, one time out of ten…it’s not.
One time out of ten, it’s a partner falling short of our agreement.
One time out of ten, it’s a partner actually investing more of something limited (time, energy, attention, etc.) somewhere else to a point that I feel is degrading our relationship regardless of how personally secure and bad-ass I’m feeling at that moment.
Sometimes that investment is in another partner, but not always. They might be burying themselves in work or a hobby, spending more time with family or friends, or even working on their own personal shit.
And I can and will 100% bring my concerns to their attention so we can talk about it. And that conversation will inform where we go from there.
Do they need space that I can give, or are our needs now incompatible? Are there adjustments we can make to our agreement and find compromise, or have one or both of us changed in ways that have moved us in different directions?
And of course, if they refuse to talk about it or consider their role in the situation—they’re not the partner for me. Boundaries, baby.
There’s Nothing Wrong With Having Insecurities
A lot of us feel that having insecurities is a sign of weakness, immaturity, or inadequacy.
This is not true. Feeling insecure is a completely natural experience that we all have all the time.
You don’t always have to be strong, mature, or everything to everyone.
You don’t have to be perfect.
Here’s how I think about it:
Life is insecure; it’s okay if you are too.
New things happen every day. Some big, some small. But they do happen.
These new things, these changes, make life inherently insecure. We can’t predict everything. (How scaryexciting! Wouldn’t perfect foresight be so niceboring?)
We also change. Some things about us stay the same, sure, but each day we live is another day of life experience that shapes us.
Every day, we wake up a slightly different person than the day before.
Tomorrow, you’ll wake up with a little more Total Life Experience.
We are a part of the insecurity of life. We’re part of the scaryexciting.
Polyamory brings multiple, ever-changing lives/people together in a relationship format that isn’t culturally celebrated.
The odds of your personal insecurities coming out to play are “yes”.
So, embrace them. Life is insecure. We are insecure. It’s all good.
In situations of scarcity, insecurity is super scary.
Good thing polyamory is so abundant.
Jealousy in Polyamory as a Tool
In real life, jealousy in polyamory is rarely black-and-white. It’s not just personal insecurity or just a partner falling short of needs: it’s a mixture of both.
When it’s mostly my shit
If I figure out that the source of my jealousy is mostly my shit to work on and I have the capacity to work on it, I do. I also tell my partner I’m working on it and brainstorm some ideas for how they can support me in that work if they’re willing. We talk about what that looks like, whether I want accountability check-ins, etc.
If I don’t have the capacity to work on it, that’s a different issue. Being at max capacity can come from circumstance (survival mode), choice (porous boundaries), or a mixture of both.
In this situation, the priority is getting out of survival mode into safety and/or upholding firmer boundaries to reduce demand on my time/energy so I can be present for myself and my partner(s). Only then can the personal work reasonably begin.
I’ve previously written about polyam boundaries here, and here’s my polyam yes-no-maybe list.
This personal work is my responsibility in the relationship. It’s the way I love; I believe the people I love deserve the best “me” I can reasonably be for them.
I fulfill my responsibility to us and expect the same from them when I draw attention to ways they’re not meeting the agreed-upon needs that are their responsibility in our relationship.
When it’s mostly them not meeting my needs
If I figure out that my jealousy in polyamory mostly stems from them not meeting my needs, I bring it up. I deserve the best “them” my partners can reasonably be for me, so I reiterate/express my needs, check in with their capacity, and we go from there.
I rarely stay in relationships with people who don’t want to talk about this stuff, who say they’ll meet my needs then don’t follow through, or who aren’t in a place to meet my needs with no end-date to that situation in sight; that’s a boundary for me.
Most often, my partners are happy to say, “Damn, you’re right. I’m sorry. Here’s how I’m going to do better,” and they do. Those are the kind of people I date.
Sometimes they come back with reasonable questions or observations that reveal underlying insecurities I may not have realized or been willing to admit I had. It’s a learning experience.
Noticing Jealousy in Polyamory
I wholly reject the idea that people who get jealous are “not evolved enough” for polyamory or “have to do personal work” to responsibly engage in relationships.
You don’t “transcend” jealousy, leaving it behind forever.
You notice it.
One way to think of jealousy is as a notification.
Jealousy as a notification:
Think of all the notifications you get in a day across your devices, platforms, apps, sites, games, etc.
Jealousy in polyamory is a notification. A red [1] on your internal emotional app to draw your attention to something currently happening.
When that [1] shows up, what do you do?
Maybe you have no problem tapping the notification and going from there. Open the app, get the deets on your emotional state, and decide what to do about it.
Or maybe you ignore the notification…and notifications (if they keep piling up).
Maybe you want to tap the notification, see more details, “Learn More,” but now’s not a good time. You want to wait until you’re in a good headspace to receive whatever’s inside. You’re just not there yet.
Maybe you’re not in a good headspace but you can’t help yourself. You just keep opening and opening the notifications as they roll in, trying to keep them cleared, seeing what’s inside and agonizing over the fact that you don’t know what to do about it, don’t have time to do anything about it, and they keep rolling in it’s as if opening one makes three more pop up and you just can’t stop and why are you so bad at this and ahhhhadfdakfjdkahfjdka
Been there.
What do to with jealousy notifications:
Here’s the thing: unless you hit a bio-psycho-social lottery, life and relationships will ping you with jelly feels from time to time.
If it happens a lot, it could be due to someone else’s shitty behavior.
If it happens a lot regardless of who’s around, maybe that’s not the case.
And maybe, just maybe, the next time that notification pops up, you can take a deep breath, wait until you’re in a good headspace, and open that notification with the kindest eyes for yourself you can muster.
And maybe, with a little self-love, you can be gentle with whatever you find inside. And you can make a promise to yourself that you’ll hold any hurts in there softly as you figure out how to make them hurt less.
And maybe, some day not too far off, jealousy notifications won’t be so bad.
Jealousy in Polyamory Cheat Sheet
Heads up: Some of these strategies can bring up really tough stuff for some people. Before diving in, I highly recommend 1. thinking about who you’ll message/call if shit gets hard, and 2. making an aftercare plan for yourself. Be gentle and take a break if things feel overwhelming.
This is a short list of strategies I and/or my clients have found to be actually helpful for addressing jealousy in polyamory.
Not every strategy works for every person. Some people need a combination of strategies, some people need different strategies at different times or in different situations.
Some people need strategies not on this list. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Making space.
When you feel jealousy rising to intense levels, physically step back or otherwise move your body into a different position or location that gives you more space. Take 3 deep breaths, then see how you feel. If the feeling is still intense, take 3 more deep breaths and move around if you need to. Repeat until the feeling is manageable or gone.
Noting.
When jealousy rises, note it. Think or say out loud, “Oh hi, jealousy. I see you,” or something similar. See if noting it changes it. If it does, note the change. (“Oh interesting, jealousy, you feel more like _____ now.”) If it doesn’t, keep noting it. (“Still there, jealousy? You’re persistent today.”) Keep noting jealousy and any changes until it either dissipates or transforms into something helpful or bearable.
Asking.
When jealousy rises, ask it silently or out loud, “Hey jealousy, what do you want me to know?” Wait quietly for the answer. It may help to write down or record what comes up for you. If the answer is another emotion (“I want you to know you feel ____”), turn your attention to that deeper emotion and ask it what it wants you to know. Keep asking until you better understand the jealousy/emotion or it dissipates.
Accepting.
If jealousy feels like something that’s simply a part of you, think about what it would look like to accept that and still be the best “you” you can be. Think about your best qualities, and use them to fill in these blanks: “I may be a jealous person. I’m also ____, ____, ____, and ____. Nobody is perfect and neither am I; that’s okay and I’m no less worthy for it.” Imagine what it would look like for a jealous person to be an amazing partner.
Affirmations.
If you know your jealousy stems from a personal insecurity, create 3 affirmations that are opposite of the insecure belief. Go big here. For example, “I’m not enough for my partner,” becomes “I’m more than enough for my partner, I’m everything my partner needs me to be and then some, I’m my partner’s wildest dream come true.”
You can repeat affirmations until they feel closer to true or true, or you can write/record all the reasons why they are true. (i.e. a journal/vlog entry titled “50 reasons why I’m my partner’s wildest dream come true”)
In my experience, the least helpful ways to handle one’s own jealousy in polyamory are to fight it or beat oneself up about feeling it.
Some people seem to have success ignoring it or denying it. Neither has worked well for me.
The idea with the strategies above is to make jealousy more bearable or manageable; what you do from there is up to you.
Final Thoughts
To summarize,
- if you’re looking for a poly hack, you can use jealousy to identify insecurities, and there’s nothing wrong with having insecurities
- not all jealousy is the result of personal insecurities, and you can ask partners to meet your unmet relationship needs
- you can work to address jealousy on your own or with a willing partner, and partners can have boundaries around helping you address your emotions
- you can have happy, healthy poly relationships even if you get jealous / have insecurities
I’ll leave you with a few final thoughts:
It’s okay to need reassurance/support.
For those of us struggling with it, it’s easy to expect too much from ourselves when it comes to addressing jealousy. I hear a lot of, “I should be able to figure this out on my own,” or “I need to be less needy.”
My loves, come over here so I can hold your hands and look you in the eyes while I say this: Even if this is your shit to figure out, you’re not unreasonable for asking for the reassurance/support you need while you do that work. You are not needy for asking for extra words of encouragement or signs of affection along the way.
Sometimes shit just sucks.
That being said, sometimes the person whose reassurance/support you need can’t or won’t provide it. And yes, that does suck—because if you really need that reassurance/support, then this may be the moment you realize that you and that person are incompatible.
Being incompatible is a neutral fact, but I can say from experience that it doesn’t feel that way. It usually fucking hurts. Particularly for those of us with insecurities, incompatibility can instead feel like every single insecurity being brought up, out, and put on display with stadium lighting for everyone to see and poke at.
It’s so fucking hard to properly grieve when your most vulnerable parts are out there hurting.
I don’t have much of a “bright side” to offer here other than that, in my experience, the depths of our sorrows indicate the heights of our joys to come. Often, the more difficulty we experience, the more expansive our capacity for ease, pleasure, and celebration becomes. I know that doesn’t sound like much in the moment, though, and if you’re going through this right now, I’m sorry.
Scarcity can become abundance.
Early in the series, someone commented that jealousy signals either real or imagined scarcity. I really like the simplicity of “jealousy signals scarcity” as a starting point. It inspires questions like, “When I’m feeling jealous, what is it I’m missing that I need?” and “Where can I get what I need from?”
There was another comment by someone saying they have a lot less issue with jealousy when living in a place of abundance. I resonate with this, too. When I have not only my needs met but am going beyond and exploring my desires, jealousy is much less present.
In fact, this is a benefit I’ve found from working on my own personal insecurities (and boundaries, if I’m being honest)—I reverse-engineer abundance by reducing the demand created by these particular needs to create more space for exploring exciting desires. By doing this work, I created the capacity within myself to do things like expand on my dynamics, date more people, and become a sex coach.
Everyone’s journey is different, but the one thing we can all do is try our best to be kind to each other along the way.
May your journey be abundant.
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