I’ve written a lot about honoring your limits and boundaries for happy, healthy poly relationships, but recently my conversations have turned toward the other side of the equation: unmet needs in polyamory.
Online advice about addressing unmet or mismatched needs in polyamory typically boils your options down to:
- find workable compromises
- find additional partners
- meet your own needs
- end your relationship(s)
Yet, compromises can’t always be found, other people aren’t needs dispensers, our need for loving connections with others is valid, and not all unmet needs warrant ending otherwise great relationships.
A lot of people, especially those who have complex needs to consider before risking or ending a relationship or marriage, wind up stuck in a miserable limbo: feeling simultaneously grateful for all the needs a relationship does meet and guilty for wanting more.
People in this position tend to attract a lot of judgement from others. “If you’re unhappy, you should just leave/find another partner/look within” can confirm a growing suspicion that you’re the one lacking in some way—and are therefore perhaps unworthy of having all your needs met in the first place.
It’s a self-deprecating spiral I empathize with because I and many of my clients have been there. After all, when given the choice between a loving partnership that meets some of our needs and no partnership at all, the answer feels obvious!
It’s only once you’re really in that relationship (or those relationships), however, and usually after deep investments, that the real cost of this choice becomes clear.
You become aware, eventually, that forgoing some of your needs to get others met is a denial of your whole, authentic, amazing self. You realize that by accepting less than everything you need you’ve effectively starved yourself, becoming smaller, shrinking slowly into a survival mode that makes full-throated joy feel like a distant dream.
And now that you’re painfully aware of this sensation of incompleteness, you can’t go back. You sit with this realization and wonder: Will I ever be truly happy?
In my experience, the answer is yes.
When you find yourself here, I encourage one simple but profound practice: Acceptance.
Hear me out.
The Levels of Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting unhappiness, situations that don’t meet your needs, or the inevitable demise of your relationship(s).
In my work I’ve observed that there are 4 levels of acceptance to move through, and by fully moving through each and coming to true, unconditional acceptance on each level a person’s unique path to personal peace and relationship health and happiness becomes clear.
While this approach may not feel right for everyone (and those dealing with heavy emotional struggles may find working with a therapist more helpful), I’ve found it to be incredibly effective for people who like journaling and verbal processing and are willing to take an honest look at themselves and their needs while moving at a pace that allows them to really integrate each level from beginning to end.
Let’s go through them together.
Level 1: Acceptance of unmet needs in polyamory.
The first step in addressing your unmet needs is accepting that you have unmet needs.
Denying that you have unmet needs might push a problem to the backburner, but eventually that tea kettle’s constant scream is going to make you want to burn the whole relationship/polycule down.
So let’s be real and face this thing head on. You have unmet needs. What are they?
Exercise:
Grab some paper or a notes app, write “I need…” at the top, and start listing. If you need help, ask yourself:
- What is missing from my life and/or relationships right now that would make me happier?
- What are others not doing that, if only they would, I’d be the happiest I’ve ever been?
- What qualities in a person have I yet to find in the search for great partners?
This isn’t a “blame game” or “request list” to show any partners you have or had, by the way. This is catharsis. This is just for you. This is cutting through the bullshit to expose the raw, honest truth of what you really want.
You have my permission to be selfish, mean, unrealistic, needy, or greedy as you make this list. No one but you ever has to see it, ever.
You have to be honest with yourself here for this to work. You want to get to the deep-down roots of your truest desires.
Make the list as long as you need. Get it all out where you can see it and own it. Once the list feels complete, store it somewhere safe no one else can find it; you’ll need it later. Practice some self-care and move on to Level 2 when you’re ready.
Level 2: Acceptance of met needs in polyamory.
Once you’ve truly owned and accepted all your unmet needs, you’ll be ready to go deeper and accept all the rest of your needs: the ones being met.
You’d be surprised how many people haven’t accepted their met needs, and how much that fucks with their happiness. Polyamorists in particular, I’ve noticed, are incredibly good at guilt-tripping ourselves out of deriving joy from the needs we’re already getting met.
At its foundation, happiness is a result of met needs. You need something, you get it, you’re happy—or at least in a better position to be happy.
Level 2 is all about fully accepting and embracing the relational needs already being met in your life. In doing so, you’ll begin to release any negative connotations with being “needy” and welcome the completely natural experience of having needs and getting them met.
Exercise:
Think of the people in your life who make you happiest. This can include partners, family members, friends, people you look up to, and even yourself.
Start listing all the things, tangible and intangible, that make you happy each of these people is in your life. List all the wonderful things you enjoy about them and your connection to them, and any things they do for you that make your life better. Make this list as long as you can, including even the little things that make you happy about these relationships. Take a break when you’re done.
When you’re ready, go back through the list. Read each thing you listed out loud and say, “_[Thing that makes me happy]_, this is one thing I need to be my happiest, and it’s totally okay to need it. This need is reasonable and valid. People enjoy meeting this need.”
If this statement feels difficult to say for some needs, note them. Journal about why they’re difficult to say and/or practice the statement as an affirmation over the next few days/weeks. If you have a therapist, mentor, or coach, you may find sharing the exercise with them helpful.
It may take weeks before you’re able to confidently say that statement about each of your met needs. Once you can, however, you’re ready for Level 3.
Level 3: Acceptance of neediness.
I’m going to be honest, Level 3 is hard.
If you haven’t already, now is a good time to create a self-care plan in the event that you get overwhelmed. Think about who you might call if this work brings up feelings you can’t handle on your own.
While it can be difficult to believe, unmet needs are just as okay, reasonable, and valid as ones you’ve had met. We all have unmet needs throughout our lives; we’re all born incredibly needy for other people’s touch and attention, for example.
All of your needs are a part of you and the world—completely natural manifestations stemming from your life experiences, innate qualities, and survival drive.
To deny the validity of your unmet needs in polyamory is to deny a part of yourself, leaving only the accepted parts of you open to receiving the things that make you happy. The denied parts remain closed, leaving you always feeling at least a little incomplete (and often trying to squeeze evermore happiness out of the needs that are being met.)
It’s time to accept your whole, naturally, gorgeously needy self.
Exercise:
Retrieve your list of unmet needs. Read each thing you listed out loud and say, “_[Need]_, this is one thing I need to be my happiest, and it’s totally okay to need it. This need is reasonable and valid. People enjoy meeting this need.”
Take your time working through the list. Use journaling, affirmations, and/or a trusted guide to work through any needs that are difficult to make this statement for.
Again, it may take weeks to be able to read the list out loud with confidence. Let it take as long as it has to; there’s no need to force it. Once you’re there, move on to Level 4.
Level 4: Acceptance of your situation.
Once you’ve fully accepted your met and unmet needs and the natural fact of your neediness, you’ll be ready to take a more clear-headed look at your personal situation, accept it for what it is, and see the best path forward for you and your relationship(s).
Accepting the reality of a situation after accepting your needs and neediness allows you to make better assessments and choices.
Free of the frustration, guilt, self-doubt, and confusion of not having your needs met, you can sit in a place of near-neutral observation and advocate for your needs with less emotional turmoil.
Exercise:
To the best of your ability, write a detailed, fact-based description of your current relationship situation. Try to approach it as a if it were a scientific write-up that researchers studying polyamory might read someday. (You may want to pause and step away if you notice emotions or judgments working their way into the exercise.)
Include any people, events, milestones, connections, and considerations that feel important to share. Also include lists of your current met and unmet relationship needs.
Under your description and lists, write “Next Steps:”
Underneath that, allow yourself to freewrite whatever comes to mind. Let go of any need to write the “right” thing or even to write with the right grammar or punctuation…just start writing and see what comes out.
What to Expect
After working through these levels and exercises, I find the vast majority of people get crystal-clear on the next steps that are best for them and their relationships, and feel much better about taking those steps immediately.
Often, the steps aren’t nearly as scary as they thought they would be, or they realize there’s a solution they and their partner(s) hadn’t considered yet. Other times, this process affirms a decision they already knew deep down they needed to make, and gives them the confidence to make it.
I hope the 4 Levels of Acceptance help you or someone you know navigate their unmet needs in polyamorous and other relationships.
I’m working on a book all about building essential individual skills for having happy, healthy polyamorous relationships. Subscribe for more posts and updates on my path to publication in 2025: